Keep breathing...for tomorrow the sun will rise.

I recently reviewed a scene from "Castaway". I have always loved that movie. But there was one part in particular that brought tears to my eyes. It's after he had been rescued and he is talking with his friend about his experience. About how everything he had survived for was no longer an option and his only choice now is to "keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring."

When Trevor and I first heard about his job layoff it was as if our world suddenly stopped and the dream was gone. We had never felt so powerless coupled with nothingness. In the Book of Mormon it talks about how we are but the dust of the earth, and we owe God for everything we have and all HE has blessed us with. Instantly we were completely dependant on family. We had nothing, save each other. We didn't even have options we just had to submit. We had to have permission for what we wanted to do or to ask for anything we needed. It felt so degrading. To take two people who are so independent and hardworking and make them rely on someone for their very life-it's humbling to say the least.

But with the new year we just have to keep trying because the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring. God is in charge and our life is his. There just may be that anticipated job offer that we have so earnestly been working for....

Baptism Boy

A Baptism is soon to transpire. I will write the details of the event later. For now I just wanted to spotlight him. He is a sweet boy and upon mentioning a girl he has his eyes on, he pulled this smile for me...he is definitely his father's son. This layoff of Trevor's has afforded him more time with his children than he has had in long time. This past fall Justin has learned how to duck hunt. He cleaned the duck himself and grilled it, all the while raving about how good it was (yuck). He has caught more fish than his father and has muscled the cleaning himself. He is radiantly proud of himself for being such a fisherman and that is clearly the highlight of his life right now. He even personally caught and shot 3 rats that live close to Grandma's creek. He is learning more about quality work and responsibility. We have also been impressed by his brilliance in mathematics and his hastening reading skills. He is a great young man and we are thankful to have him in our home (or in his grandma's and grandpa's for the time being).

Season's Splendor

Some eventful things have happened this season so far:

Trevor took me on a helicopter ride (he is staying current) and I got to see the sunset and Christmas lights and buzz over the temples from Logan to Salt Lake. It was so much fun and he is such a good pilot.

Trevor and I were given tickets to see "A White Christmas" from Steven and Cindy of which have season passes. They didn't want to go and gave us two extra tickets to take my parents. That was classic entertainment.

Jessica's former cello teacher (Ms. Anne Francis, of the Frystreet Quartet) gave Jessica and I tickets to Abravenal Hall to see the renown Pieter Wispelwey perform Saint-Saens concerto. After which, we got to meet him and he signed his autograph for her.


Trevor and I have been working out a the Bountiful Rec center...All I can say is, Ouch.

Christmas is almost here. On Wednesday Trevor's family is going to Salt Lake to see Narnia and enjoy the festivities on Temple Square. That should be an all day event.

I am almost ready for Christmas, I may need to make one more shopping trip starting at Barnes and Nobles on Thursday after lunch. Other than that, Christmas should be very simple this year. With the plethora of toys at grandma's house, all the Wii one could stand on a screen the size of a wall, a library full of books from juvenile to scholar-what could I possibly get my children? But I cannot say no to books. So they are all getting some. Besides, I am bound and determined to get on with our life sooner than later and I don't want to pack a bunch of stuff. So, simplicity it is.

Since I have lived here, I have come to realize that the sister-in-laws, myself included, evidently could not be any more opposite. But it is just that opposition that brings strength collectively. I am learning so much from them and each of their strengths.
In this picture, the photographer ask us to give a sexy pose-that was it! I busted up laughing and obviously was a bad influence on everyone else there-except my mother-in-law who was obviously immune to my laughter. Sorry ladies to ruin the moment.
Featured from left to right: Shylo,me, Karlee,Cindy and Jessica

Deja vu

It's been 14 years since I have lived in Bountiful. I tried many years ago to do everything I could to spread my wings and experience something new. I used to hate this "small town". Now I am finding the good in it. So much has changed since then, but overall, it really is not a bad place. Everything is so local; the library, the grocery stores-all the stores really. My children are studying art from a nationally famous artist-just across the street from Grandma's house. The boys have experienced Gymnastics at "Flips" and I love the local stores, particularly "All tucked in" on Main Street. Trevor and I are about to start at the gym at the Bountiful Rec center, formerly known as "the bubble". The kids are about to start Swim lessons. (Steven and Cindy have always supported lessons of their grand children) And the two of us have enjoyed Pilates and Yoga-a regular private class of Steven's. I am proud to say that I could keep up with Trevor and even a few times out do him :)
There really is so much to be thankful for in an all familiar way. It's been years since I drove by Milcreek Junior High-I hardly recognized it and Bountiful High-ha! It's a rather Deja vu feeling to be here.

A Wee bit late for Halloween

Halloween this last year was different. I usually make all the costumes from things around the house and start early in advance to make the proper preparations. However, because of the anticipated move and under the circumstances, I didn't and so the costumes were purchased by Grandma.
Daisy as a lab, simply because she is shaved. It's a practice I mean to repeat.
Joseph-the transformer
Alexis a modge podge witch
MaKayla, a devil who named herself, half witch and half devil's daughter.

Jessica, the "snow princess" with frosty hair
Justin the Jedi
Brett is our little "skeleton man" It's funny he picked this costume out because we tease him that he is so skinny he is like a skeleton.
Daisy was loving the pumpkin carvings-go figure, an omnivore Saint Bernard (who happens to be shaved like a lab-this was for Louisiana weather)A curious dog indeed.But I think Trevor was pointing out that I am still in my favorite Pajama bottoms (after cooking all morning) and wearing Justin's flip flops, nonetheless!
Since nobody would do the classic pumpkin face, I had to.
Alexis is really concentrating
MaKayla and Jessica having a blast
Joseph is feeling like a big kid because he gets to carve a pumpkin at 4 years old.

For the heck of it.

Here is some of Louisiana. Some of it is New Orleans and some of it is Lafayette area. This is the trip we went on to send out resumes. Just thought I would journalize this little business get away we took back in June. I still trust that God is guiding our life for good. I am not heart broken about not living in Louisiana. It is disappointing to be here during the winter. But long ago I placed my life in God's hands. Those are ALL birds and that is NOT grass

A rather creepy creature
I loved the Spanish moss on the oaks...gorgeous


Lake Martin in Louisiana...there's alligators in there
Our hotel
Trevor standing on the rooftop of our hotel...Omni, New Orleans
One of many mansions in the garden district.
This is one of Sandra Bullock's homes

This is the home from "The curious case of Benjamin Button"
The above ground cemetery

Bewildered

Words cannot describe my feelings as of late. It's been difficult to say the least.

How is it I feel alone, when I am never alone...
How is it I feel poor when I am surrounded by all the nicest materials money can buy.
How is it I find myself down, when there is so much good to be found...
How is it food has lost its savor, when I am encircled by the finest the stores have to offer.
How is it I find myself overwhelmed with the constant awareness of what I need to teach my children, when I am encompassed by help from every direction.
How is it I feel powerless and trapped in a free country with the ever perpetual gift of the atonement?
Why is it that I feel as if I am losing my children, When I am constantly by their side.
How is it I have lost my fight when that is the very essence of who I am?
Why is it I cannot pull myself out of this slump and quit experiencing the roller coaster of emotions That I find myself constantly battling?
Why is it I feel as if I am in a dream, a bad one, and I am unable to wake up and be proactive?
Why do I feel as if I have lost my status as a mother, when that is essentially impossible?
Why is it I feel like a puppet driven by the necessities of the day and yet on stage, being ever watched and conceivably judged?
Why do I feel like I have lost everything, when I have what really matters?


I know the answers to these things...I know what I need to do. Perhaps time will be the healing balm, gratitude a respite and my mind a place of solace.

I fully acknowledge my blessings in our predicament.

We sold our home quickly.
We have no debt.
We have a beautiful home to stay in and the financial help of Trevor's parents.
My children have what they need and anything they could want.
We are ever grateful for our families at this time.

But there is nothing like it. To feel the self respect, independence and agency of your own life. Here there is nothing to worry about; no bills to pay, no budgeting and I am certainly blessed to have the kids get mentored by so many people. How is it I could feel anything but contentment? I have gone from having no husband and doing so much on my own, to never having it so easy.(physically anyway)

One day, when Trevor does get a job I just may come to the realization of the blessings I do have at this time. I know I will miss him and his help. I know I will feel overwhelmed all over again. The things I do have right now, this very day should ALWAYS make it easier, but it doesn't. I am human, and now more then ever I find myself face to face with my weaknesses. I literally stare at them everyday. I see so much that I need to change within myself that I don't know where to begin.

We are about to close on our home. It is a bitter sweet emotion. Sweet because that home has been the burden of our life for 9 years. Sweet because in our economy it was a miracle to sell it. And bitter because it is MY home nonetheless. It is my last attachment to the life I once had. It is just one more thing I feel is taken away from me at this time. It's not as if I have a home to replace it. It's not as if I have a new life so I can let go of the old one. I got over things along time ago. And my in-laws home couldn't be any more comfortable. But that is just it. The things aren't mine. Every article within this home is attached by a memory that is not mine. Now that it is Christmas time, it is even harder. These things aren't mine, the memories I created with our own things are packed away. It feels as if I am living on borrowed time, rented holidays and loaned things. But they are just things after all. I need to be better.

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
-- Hippocrates

Protection or preservation?

I have had an internal battle for a while. I believe children are sponges-they soak up everything in their environment, which determines who they become. The music they listen to, the friends they have, the books or movies that entertain and fill their minds. It all defines them (as it does with us). I have always preserved the best of the best because that is what I am encouraging them to become. I remember a time in my life when we didn't have the television channels and so I had a lot of control over the kind of entertainment that entered my home. For fun I got all of the series of Little house, Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. All the while supplementing with classic books and real life discussions with my children. There was a time I felt in control of it all and I had peace that I was raising my children up unto the Lord. I felt complete joy because our home was filled with the spirit and I was teaching them correct principles. The strange thing is, I was lost in my service with them. I spent hours with them, never a moment for myself hardly. But it is for this very reason that I care so much. I have sacrificed so very much for them. They mean EVERYTHING to me.

I have never taught them to look at others as bad, rather I want them to only judge based on their personal safety. What others may do is their choice but each of us has a responsibility to discern what will harm us and to stay away from it. I don't want to come across as self righteous. I am just overly protective.
Now that I am at my In-laws home for the time being, I find I have no control over anything. They are good people, every one of them. Among the best and of whom I love dearly. But differences in opinions and upbringing can pose a challenge that I feel threatens what I have taught my children. I have worked endlessly for years teaching them the best I know how. I like that my children don't like Lady Gaga or Hanna Montana. I like that they know about sex at an appropriate age where they can be mature enough to respect and handle it and that I can teach them in a loving atmosphere while emphasising the sacred, private nature of it. I like the influence the positive music and tv shows has had on my home and my children.
It's been difficult to give up everything secure that I have ever known and to feel many different opinions thrown at my family. I feel out of control and out of place. Am I too protective? Or is it that I just want to preserve what is good and what is right? Is it okay for kids to like the current role models that kids have? Is the modern music okay? What message or agenda does Hollywood have for our children? Is it okay that a child's highlight for his/her life is a video game? According to Philippians 4:8 it says...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I could find many more. But is it not ideal to stay away from wrong all together? Is not good good and evil evil? Things either come from God or they come from the Devil. I take this seriously. And I feel responsible to teach my children what is right and what is wrong. I am not saying that they will not come across wickedness at some point, they will and they should to gain wisdom. But what I am saying is I feel it is a sacred duty of mine to offer them what ever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Imagine raising a sober generation such as Nephi, Moroni, Joseph Smith or Joseph of old. Those men were who they were because of the homes they grew up in. As our belated dear prophet, Gorden B. Hinckley wrote:

"E. T. Sullivan once wrote these interesting words: “When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn’t stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home and of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.”1

"And those babies, I should like to add, will become forces for good or ill, depending in large measure on how they are reared. The Lord, without equivocation, has declared, “I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40)." Why do I feel so strongly about these concepts, yet why do I feel so alone in it...

Dear Friends

One of the most heart breaking things about moving away is not leaving the house or the things, it's the people you leave behind. I felt forced to leave all I knew and all I loved for that job that we both worked so hard for. This is my dear friend Alicia. Radiantly and virtuously beautiful throughout her entire being. She has been my inspiration and my example for as long as I have known her. She understood me and my primitive ways. She was my friend unconditionally and when I spoke to her, it was like speaking with myself. How often in life do we find someone who is so in sync with us that it is comforting. I miss her. I miss her beautiful children. I miss the talks, the laughs and raising our children together. I miss the closeness we felt, that no matter what, we could be there for each other. Alicia is REAL. What you see is what you get with her. She is true to her beliefs and strong in her convictions-she radiates light for this reason. I love that she is right with me on being in tune with what matters most. She loves her children regardless of the messes they may cause, for she knows what matters most. She chooses to spend her days serving others and making use of the abundance the Lord has blessed us with. I cannot forget the times we worked in canning together or baking together. She is the most frugal and conservative woman I know-a true pioneer. And I know Heaven smiles down on her for the preservation she is and the credit she is to womanhood. But I do thank her for her many talks of wisdom. I thank her for her fine example of Godly womanhood/motherhood. I thank her for the inspiration she was to me, to be better. My life is forever blessed for having known her.

I surrender

So lately I have come to the realization of some things. For those of you who may stumble across this post, ignore my pessimism. You are free to read on, but be aware that this is NOT the usual uplifting post. I write this for two reasons, one to vent and two to journalize.
I have become aware of a pattern of failure with me. Everything I battle for or fight for I lose. And I have become increasingly tired of the fight. Here are some things that were important to me that I lost the battle on:
1.) To have healthy children.

To achieve this I have relentlessly researched, talked and council ed with those of experience, read numerous books, studied the word of wisdom and thought and prayed. I have spent the majority of 14 years doing this and spent hours in the kitchen preparing wholesome foods and last but not least spent hard earned money on more expensive foods. An example of this is 2 bucks for a gallon of genuine fake maple syrup or the alternative 60 dollars for the real stuff from New England. I have been the doctor for my children most of their lives. Many of them have not ever been to a doctor-I could remedy it and take care of it through herbs. But, regardless of my efforts they are sicker than any other kid I know who survives off of the modern convenience junk. The herbs I have always used with great success have been ineffective as of late. I have always believed you reap what you sow and that in time the sacrificing I was doing would be to their benefit. There is no such evidence currently. How does one of my children who fights to eat anything healthy recover quicker than the child who refuses to eat any junk and eats extremely healthy? How is it that my children catch everything and seem to have no resistance. For years I have been a fighter and refused to believe that junk food should ever prevail...To this day I have no proof. I feel I have lost the fight and I feel defeated.

2.) For all six of my children I could barely breastfeed. I would nurse every hour for a year because I believed it was healthier. I did what I could to eat right and eat well to make this happen, but to no avail. I remember begging and pleading with Heavenly Father to help me feed my children as he did Nephi's wife...but nothing changed, my children were still thin and hungry and I did lose that fight. I persevered and still nursed with a hope, but nothing changed. I lost the fight.-

3.) weight retention. It doesn't matter how much I exercise, eat right, don't eat or what I do eat-I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT!!!!
Another lost battle.

4.) I used to believe you reap what you sow. That if you want something bad enough and work hard enough anything is possible..not so. Not for me anyway. I DO believe that law works out for others, but not for me. Trevor and I have spent the last 6 years training him for a career that could offer security, his satisfaction and a sufficient income.
This last month, we lost it all....
Many of you may know that Trevor got that job in Louisiana. We worked so hard for that. Not only Trevor in training and schooling and building time as an instructor but me on the Internet finding him a job. Hope is always in the back of your mind. You tell yourself that if you want it bad enough it is possible and it will happen. So that is what I did. I thought we had our break with this job. That all the hard work had paid off. We were going to to have a salary-more money than we have ever had. That is not the point to me, I am not a Gold Digger. But security and a stable future is what I am after. After three months of being employed, Me working mostly myself to get the house up for sale by doing repairs and packing he lost the job. Rotorcraft Leasing lost 3 helicopters in the ocean. While no one what hurt, their biggest contract left and took their business somewhere else. They were down 20% of their work and let go of 20% of their employees, Trevor being the new guy was one of them.
Here we are in my in-laws of whom we only meant to transition with and we are stuck here. It's amazing to me that in a second everything is gone. I don't have my home anymore (we have a few offers) Most of my things are sold. It's a good thing the home is up for sale, I feel ahead in that under the circumstances that is what we would have needed to do. It is so hard to lose everything. Yes, I still have Trevor and my children. But everything we worked for we have lost. It was a miracle-and it took a fight to get the job he had. I know what we are up against. I know how messed up the economy is and even worse how bad the jobs are in the nation. We have spent up to 4 hours everyday for a month trying to find something. No one is hiring. People have lost their retirement. They have had their income cut in half. With this, it has backed up the flow of employment so that guys like Trevor are stuck and there are more people than there are jobs. And because the economy is down the touring is down. No matter where we turn there doesn't feel like a solution. Sure, maybe spring might open more positions but that feels like a lifetime a way. Who at 30 wants to be completely dependant on their parents? We are discouraged and feel humiliated.
I could fight and work for a job and research like the feisty fighter in me usually does, but for what. Haven't I always lost every battle I fight. I am beginning to feel like a powerless pawn with no say in my own life. I have never asked for anything unreasonable. I am not a stuffy high maintenance wife. I don't care about jewelry, makeup, clothes and things. I don't even care about the home I live in. I know what matters most. It's the people in the home and the memories that they can fill in their life. Everything I have mentioned above is a righteous desire. I feel that out of respect I have honored the things of God and tried to be obedient to them. I am just asking for a job so that we can have sufficient for our needs.
Will this be a fight I lose too? And what am I supposed to make of the constant failure? How many of those does it take to learn learned helplessness?
(I told you this was negative.)

Because That is what Women do.

It's been 10 days since Trevor left for Louisiana. While I miss him immensely, I have been too busy to stoop over it. I have not only been working with our handy man sheetrocking, mudding, sanding,painting and repairing but I have also been dejunking, cleaning, cooking, childcare, yard and garden care, packing, sorting and even doing a garage sale.
I know, garage sale is white trash...I have always thought so. But it was an inspiration when my good friend Arlow asked not only me to join him in his garage sale, but my best friend Alicia and her family. It was a crazy day yesterday. I helped him carry a half a block down all the furniture piece by piece until midnight the morning before and then we were up at five to be ready by six. But I made money off of a lot of thing we wont be able to take and now I don't have to D.I. it or pack it. My house is empty, save a few stick of furniture pieces. But I have my children and that is what matters. It's amazing how much stuff we can collect or pack into a house. And really, It's a good thing Trevor is not here, he would put up a stink about keeping everything. (For anyone who has been in his garage knows just what I am talking about). So the pack rat he is, is a compliment to me.
Anyway, I am thoroughly exhausted. My body has been asking me to stop working but, I can't. There is too much to do. And when the construction, yard, children and moving has filled up my daylight hours I put the children to bed and stay up until around 2 to get the things done I can't do with kids about me. Then at 6:30 am, I am up again to start this all over again. But it is coming along. I am having to rely a lot on the kids to do their fair share and most of them have been helpful and understand I need their help. I don't know how I am doing it all. I take that back. I have prayed for God to sustain me, that I may do all I need to do and he has. I keep telling myself, "you can do this on step at a time." But I have not been alone either. Arlow and Michelle and Alicia and John were there to help and support me with all the furniture transportation. I COULD NOT have done that alone, even with God's help. And I am finding a strength within me that I didn't know I had. But I do it because I am a woman. And this is what women do. Sometimes I feel I can relate to the pioneers in a small way. Leaving most everything behind, going to a place that I know little about and doing it without a husband. It's pathetic really that I miss Trevor's company, but not his help. He has been so busy in school and 2 jobs that I have done everything without him for YEARS. He has brought in the money, but I have done EVERYTHING else...And that, has tapped into the inner strength of womanhood that all women possess, but need to develop.
I have another 8 or so days until Trevor gets back. I am getting excited to paint after all the repair I have done and have him come home to a lot of the projects done. My handyman has been such a blessing. I don't know how I could have done everything without him either. It is so great to have someone to ask if I am unsure about my own construction work. I can honestly say, I see the Lord's hand in helping me throughout my life and in all I do.
Trevor is doing great. He has flown out over the ocean, landed on platforms that sway in the ocean (yikes) and he is studying really hard for all the testing that is before him. I know the Lord is with him. We miss each other terribly. But I am excited and a little frightened for our new adventure. I look forward to the fresh start and the growth we may experience. I am thrilled to be in the missionary field. And last, but not least, I am excited to escape the Cache valley, never ending, long, dreary, depressing, cold, cabin feverish, boring, monotonous, restless, snow, snow clothes, ice, snow blowing, sicknesses, and vitamin D deficient winters.
While, I know everything is not going to be peachy, I choose to look for the good in every place I am at. I am just tired of finding the good in Cache Valley winters! I look forward to the larger paycheck and salary at that. I look forward to the benefits, yeah, I might be able to get Alexis braces. I look forward to nearly year round gardening.

The other night amidst bedtime and evening exhaustion from long hot and busy days I was feeling unsurprisingly overwhelmed. Trevor was trying to get the computer unfrozen and while he was waiting I grabbed him and said, "hey, let's go jump on the tramp." He looked at me and didn't know if I was okay or not but took me up on it. (I have been known to have forgotten how to have fun) We giggled in the dark as he bounced me clearly higher than I was bouncing him. Then we just laid on the tramp and looked at the moonlit sky. It was a simple beauty really. The heavens are such a wonder when you take the time to just look at them-kind of like smelling the roses. I am ashamed to say that I haven't done it in a long time. We just cuddled and pretty soon Trevor was making out faces of the clouds in the night time sky. He found a melancholy lady-Jesus with a crown on his head and some sort of an ogre...the kind he would carve in a pumpkin face. It was so healing for me to just relax and have simple fun.
I haven't posted about our current events for fear of shattering all hope. He did get an interview out of our New Orleans trip. They told him to plan on starting the next day and that they "look forward to having him on board" It's such a blessing in this unstable economy. I am so thankful to have this job, we have worked so hard for it. Yet I am afraid to say I have been less then a lady about being patient. I was reading scriptures with the children tonight 3 Nephi Chapter 13 has a sermon from Christ during his visit to the America's he said, "Be not ye therefore like unto them, for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of before ye ask him. Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and thieves break through and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is there will your heart be also. Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?"
In this economy and with Trevor's unpredictable and unsteady income the last few years have tested my faith-our faith many times. It's easy to give into despair however, a scripture comes to mind "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).
All too often I have chosen or given into despair when God needed me to trust him. I am not sure why we were blessed with a job and I do feel undeserving. But I am grateful. As Trevor kept saying, "for some reason the Lord has always blessed us." I must do better and choose faith. "For behold I am God. And I am a God of miracles...and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith" 2 Nephi 27:23