Protection or preservation?

I have had an internal battle for a while. I believe children are sponges-they soak up everything in their environment, which determines who they become. The music they listen to, the friends they have, the books or movies that entertain and fill their minds. It all defines them (as it does with us). I have always preserved the best of the best because that is what I am encouraging them to become. I remember a time in my life when we didn't have the television channels and so I had a lot of control over the kind of entertainment that entered my home. For fun I got all of the series of Little house, Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. All the while supplementing with classic books and real life discussions with my children. There was a time I felt in control of it all and I had peace that I was raising my children up unto the Lord. I felt complete joy because our home was filled with the spirit and I was teaching them correct principles. The strange thing is, I was lost in my service with them. I spent hours with them, never a moment for myself hardly. But it is for this very reason that I care so much. I have sacrificed so very much for them. They mean EVERYTHING to me.

I have never taught them to look at others as bad, rather I want them to only judge based on their personal safety. What others may do is their choice but each of us has a responsibility to discern what will harm us and to stay away from it. I don't want to come across as self righteous. I am just overly protective.
Now that I am at my In-laws home for the time being, I find I have no control over anything. They are good people, every one of them. Among the best and of whom I love dearly. But differences in opinions and upbringing can pose a challenge that I feel threatens what I have taught my children. I have worked endlessly for years teaching them the best I know how. I like that my children don't like Lady Gaga or Hanna Montana. I like that they know about sex at an appropriate age where they can be mature enough to respect and handle it and that I can teach them in a loving atmosphere while emphasising the sacred, private nature of it. I like the influence the positive music and tv shows has had on my home and my children.
It's been difficult to give up everything secure that I have ever known and to feel many different opinions thrown at my family. I feel out of control and out of place. Am I too protective? Or is it that I just want to preserve what is good and what is right? Is it okay for kids to like the current role models that kids have? Is the modern music okay? What message or agenda does Hollywood have for our children? Is it okay that a child's highlight for his/her life is a video game? According to Philippians 4:8 it says...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I could find many more. But is it not ideal to stay away from wrong all together? Is not good good and evil evil? Things either come from God or they come from the Devil. I take this seriously. And I feel responsible to teach my children what is right and what is wrong. I am not saying that they will not come across wickedness at some point, they will and they should to gain wisdom. But what I am saying is I feel it is a sacred duty of mine to offer them what ever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Imagine raising a sober generation such as Nephi, Moroni, Joseph Smith or Joseph of old. Those men were who they were because of the homes they grew up in. As our belated dear prophet, Gorden B. Hinckley wrote:

"E. T. Sullivan once wrote these interesting words: “When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn’t stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home and of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.”1

"And those babies, I should like to add, will become forces for good or ill, depending in large measure on how they are reared. The Lord, without equivocation, has declared, “I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40)." Why do I feel so strongly about these concepts, yet why do I feel so alone in it...

Dear Friends

One of the most heart breaking things about moving away is not leaving the house or the things, it's the people you leave behind. I felt forced to leave all I knew and all I loved for that job that we both worked so hard for. This is my dear friend Alicia. Radiantly and virtuously beautiful throughout her entire being. She has been my inspiration and my example for as long as I have known her. She understood me and my primitive ways. She was my friend unconditionally and when I spoke to her, it was like speaking with myself. How often in life do we find someone who is so in sync with us that it is comforting. I miss her. I miss her beautiful children. I miss the talks, the laughs and raising our children together. I miss the closeness we felt, that no matter what, we could be there for each other. Alicia is REAL. What you see is what you get with her. She is true to her beliefs and strong in her convictions-she radiates light for this reason. I love that she is right with me on being in tune with what matters most. She loves her children regardless of the messes they may cause, for she knows what matters most. She chooses to spend her days serving others and making use of the abundance the Lord has blessed us with. I cannot forget the times we worked in canning together or baking together. She is the most frugal and conservative woman I know-a true pioneer. And I know Heaven smiles down on her for the preservation she is and the credit she is to womanhood. But I do thank her for her many talks of wisdom. I thank her for her fine example of Godly womanhood/motherhood. I thank her for the inspiration she was to me, to be better. My life is forever blessed for having known her.

I surrender

So lately I have come to the realization of some things. For those of you who may stumble across this post, ignore my pessimism. You are free to read on, but be aware that this is NOT the usual uplifting post. I write this for two reasons, one to vent and two to journalize.
I have become aware of a pattern of failure with me. Everything I battle for or fight for I lose. And I have become increasingly tired of the fight. Here are some things that were important to me that I lost the battle on:
1.) To have healthy children.

To achieve this I have relentlessly researched, talked and council ed with those of experience, read numerous books, studied the word of wisdom and thought and prayed. I have spent the majority of 14 years doing this and spent hours in the kitchen preparing wholesome foods and last but not least spent hard earned money on more expensive foods. An example of this is 2 bucks for a gallon of genuine fake maple syrup or the alternative 60 dollars for the real stuff from New England. I have been the doctor for my children most of their lives. Many of them have not ever been to a doctor-I could remedy it and take care of it through herbs. But, regardless of my efforts they are sicker than any other kid I know who survives off of the modern convenience junk. The herbs I have always used with great success have been ineffective as of late. I have always believed you reap what you sow and that in time the sacrificing I was doing would be to their benefit. There is no such evidence currently. How does one of my children who fights to eat anything healthy recover quicker than the child who refuses to eat any junk and eats extremely healthy? How is it that my children catch everything and seem to have no resistance. For years I have been a fighter and refused to believe that junk food should ever prevail...To this day I have no proof. I feel I have lost the fight and I feel defeated.

2.) For all six of my children I could barely breastfeed. I would nurse every hour for a year because I believed it was healthier. I did what I could to eat right and eat well to make this happen, but to no avail. I remember begging and pleading with Heavenly Father to help me feed my children as he did Nephi's wife...but nothing changed, my children were still thin and hungry and I did lose that fight. I persevered and still nursed with a hope, but nothing changed. I lost the fight.-

3.) weight retention. It doesn't matter how much I exercise, eat right, don't eat or what I do eat-I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT!!!!
Another lost battle.

4.) I used to believe you reap what you sow. That if you want something bad enough and work hard enough anything is possible..not so. Not for me anyway. I DO believe that law works out for others, but not for me. Trevor and I have spent the last 6 years training him for a career that could offer security, his satisfaction and a sufficient income.
This last month, we lost it all....
Many of you may know that Trevor got that job in Louisiana. We worked so hard for that. Not only Trevor in training and schooling and building time as an instructor but me on the Internet finding him a job. Hope is always in the back of your mind. You tell yourself that if you want it bad enough it is possible and it will happen. So that is what I did. I thought we had our break with this job. That all the hard work had paid off. We were going to to have a salary-more money than we have ever had. That is not the point to me, I am not a Gold Digger. But security and a stable future is what I am after. After three months of being employed, Me working mostly myself to get the house up for sale by doing repairs and packing he lost the job. Rotorcraft Leasing lost 3 helicopters in the ocean. While no one what hurt, their biggest contract left and took their business somewhere else. They were down 20% of their work and let go of 20% of their employees, Trevor being the new guy was one of them.
Here we are in my in-laws of whom we only meant to transition with and we are stuck here. It's amazing to me that in a second everything is gone. I don't have my home anymore (we have a few offers) Most of my things are sold. It's a good thing the home is up for sale, I feel ahead in that under the circumstances that is what we would have needed to do. It is so hard to lose everything. Yes, I still have Trevor and my children. But everything we worked for we have lost. It was a miracle-and it took a fight to get the job he had. I know what we are up against. I know how messed up the economy is and even worse how bad the jobs are in the nation. We have spent up to 4 hours everyday for a month trying to find something. No one is hiring. People have lost their retirement. They have had their income cut in half. With this, it has backed up the flow of employment so that guys like Trevor are stuck and there are more people than there are jobs. And because the economy is down the touring is down. No matter where we turn there doesn't feel like a solution. Sure, maybe spring might open more positions but that feels like a lifetime a way. Who at 30 wants to be completely dependant on their parents? We are discouraged and feel humiliated.
I could fight and work for a job and research like the feisty fighter in me usually does, but for what. Haven't I always lost every battle I fight. I am beginning to feel like a powerless pawn with no say in my own life. I have never asked for anything unreasonable. I am not a stuffy high maintenance wife. I don't care about jewelry, makeup, clothes and things. I don't even care about the home I live in. I know what matters most. It's the people in the home and the memories that they can fill in their life. Everything I have mentioned above is a righteous desire. I feel that out of respect I have honored the things of God and tried to be obedient to them. I am just asking for a job so that we can have sufficient for our needs.
Will this be a fight I lose too? And what am I supposed to make of the constant failure? How many of those does it take to learn learned helplessness?
(I told you this was negative.)