Helen Rice
As mothers we can recall our excitement upon the news of a pregnancy and immediately our thoughts flow with preparation. It was no different with me when I was pregnant with my 3 daughter Jessica. Something was unique about that pregnancy. I had compelling aspirations to research the preeminent way to bring her into the world. And as I fervently prayed other revelations were bestowed upon me as well. I had a strong impression to not vaccinate the baby. This was shocking-even absurd. Wasn't that what every responsible parent should do? As I began the process of receiving answers to that prayer I followed the steps prerequisite for revelation. I studied hours, days and even weeks about the history of inoculations, causes and biological origination of each disease. I studied reported side effects. I couldn't believe what I was learning. And I felt the assurance that it was not good for this child with an unshakable conviction. After approaching Trevor, he trusted my experiences and we decided to pray over the matter. That night, before I knew what baby we were having I dreamt that The baby was a girl. And I saw her in a field of flowers about six months of age. She looked up at me and as clear as if she was there said, "thank you mommy". As time went on I can say that I felt as if I was pregnant with my best friend. I knew that I knew her from the preexistence.
I proceeded to plan a medication free delivery with a loving midwife (of whom I dreamt about and saw her face. The next day, after interviewing many midwifes, she came into the room and it was the same woman from my dream). Jessica was born naturally in a loving atmosphere.
As she grew I wanted to raise her the way God would have me...give her the best. I nursed her over a year and gave her the best foods I could find after weaning. I recognized the importance of brain development and wouldn't settle for less than the best. I felt so close to her and loved her dearly.
These are things every mother wants. I am no different then the next. As mothers we have an innate need to nurture, protect, care for, teach and nourish our little ones. We only hope for a "happily ever after" with our sacrifices and love.
But life doesn't always happen that way. It's not suppose to be that way. The one child I worked so hard for, have given my life to and dedicated more pep talks, displayed more patience and even had to repent over my failings has OCD. A ruinous kind if left untreated.
I have mingled with the hope for years that I could help her, unaware of the reality of her physical disorder. A mother's love is the closest thing to Christ's love-it is pure charity and it never faileth. I have struggled with her, wept about her and pleaded for her. This past week has been devastating as I came to accept that it is out of my hands. The same mother in me that wiped every tear, bandaged every wound and exchanged every doubt for confidence wants to remedy this one. It breaks your heart to see your child suffer, to know that you will need to dive into the unknown of psychologists and medicine and that you as a mother couldn't ameliorate this one. It feels like a failure and the hope dispels as images from the movies A Beautiful Mind and What about Bob (without the comedy) come to mind.
After my darkest hour with acceptance I came to a concurrence with the spirit to do the Lord's will. I have felt the tender mercies of the spirit mollify my distress. There IS still hope. I feel the gratitude for this child. For did she commit to teach me lessons in the preexistence at the expense of normality? She can be the source to turn my weaknesses into strengths and I marvel at her spirit.
No mother is void of these things. Childbearing is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you're going to get. For each one, like a child, comes with differences AND challenges all their own. However, in every case the experience will be both bitter and Sweet. I recognize it could be worse and I am thankful that this challenge is mine. I trust the spirit to guide me with God's child and pray for the worthiness to receive it. As mothers we, at large, have an impact on who they become.
"God bless my mother; all that I am or ever hope to be I owe her."Abraham Lincoln
2 comments:
I am sorry you are struggling with this. That has to be hard to watch. I grew up being medicated (my feelings on that a different day) because I have/had OCD tendencies and severe anxiety. Just love her and support her through this. Don't let her feel weird or different because she is not. It is more difficult for her then it will be for you anyways. Just love her the same! I admire all that you do as a mother so much. I love all your updates!
I assume by this that you have had tests confirmed? You are an amazing mother. You will get through this and Jessica will be blessed to have you as her caretaker through it. I understand your sorrow. Sometimes it helps to remember what my mom has often said: "Some children are so special that they must be protected from the adversary by means of disguise." Love and miss you!!
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