As I have been reflecting on motherhood, mine in particular, I decided upon posting my thoughts. I of course, am not a perfect mother. There have been times I could almost feel heaven on earth during the work that was before me. Pure bliss, sweet joy and peace beyond description. It is in these moments that I have felt this that my will was perfectly aligned with what God would have me do as a mother. And in this space I feel like I could conquer anything, for God is on my side. Who could fail at an attempt to rear children when you have a GOD, on your side and it is his children in which he trusts you with. Why would he not come to aid?
And there have been times such as now, that I have never felt so detached, lost and out of my element. Perhaps this is what motherhood is. It has its ups and downs, its sorrow and joy. At times I feel I have been entrusted with more than I can bear. It's been difficult to not have a home to call my own domain. It's been hard to have more than one mother amongst me. It's been especially challenging to feel that me, the unwise, inexperienced mother can not be all that they need me to be and to find myself in a sense losing them. Alexis, of whom is nearly 14 is breaking away from me. It's natural I am told, but devastating nonetheless. And even more so at a time when I am not myself and feel broken. It doesn't matter how many children you have. Sure, the more you have the more you can be challenged with, but think of the growth and strengthening that can happen. Having only 1 or 2 does not make you immune to problems with child raising. This life is about learning and growth and some how or other against our desires, that will happen. Life is the teacher and nothing teaches us better then when we are faced with challenges that involve what we love most, our children.
It's no secret that the adversary would seize the opportunity to ruin me and convince me that I cannot do what I have been called to do. It's no surprise he would attempt this at a time when a mother is at her lowest. Temptation comes in various places and sometimes from the most hurtful and unexpected sources.
I have been told several times that I should only have had 2 children, that I am dumb for having more than 2 and even compared to the "old woman who lived in a shoe"(but only from 1 and the same source each time)
It is most difficult to be kicked when you are down, naturally. Do I regret my children? Absolutely not. Perhaps it is inconceivable to some that a mother with 6 children could love all of them as much a mother with only one or two. Maybe there is reason for saying those things, for I am not the mother I once was. And just because I didn't get my tubes tied, does not mean that I chose to have six children. Sometimes you are asked to do things in God's wisdom. It's at times like this that I have had to trust him. I love all of my children more than my own life. I can be an incredible mother, I realize that now since my life has been altered. And one day I WILL turn this arduous experience into a strength. One day I will resume my position with confidence and dignity. And soon, I will post details of our plans for Trevor's new job, out of state and where, soon.
