Motherhood, my calling

As I have been reflecting on motherhood, mine in particular, I decided upon posting my thoughts. I of course, am not a perfect mother. There have been times I could almost feel heaven on earth during the work that was before me. Pure bliss, sweet joy and peace beyond description. It is in these moments that I have felt this that my will was perfectly aligned with what God would have me do as a mother. And in this space I feel like I could conquer anything, for God is on my side. Who could fail at an attempt to rear children when you have a GOD, on your side and it is his children in which he trusts you with. Why would he not come to aid?

And there have been times such as now, that I have never felt so detached, lost and out of my element. Perhaps this is what motherhood is. It has its ups and downs, its sorrow and joy. At times I feel I have been entrusted with more than I can bear. It's been difficult to not have a home to call my own domain. It's been hard to have more than one mother amongst me. It's been especially challenging to feel that me, the unwise, inexperienced mother can not be all that they need me to be and to find myself in a sense losing them. Alexis, of whom is nearly 14 is breaking away from me. It's natural I am told, but devastating nonetheless. And even more so at a time when I am not myself and feel broken. It doesn't matter how many children you have. Sure, the more you have the more you can be challenged with, but think of the growth and strengthening that can happen. Having only 1 or 2 does not make you immune to problems with child raising. This life is about learning and growth and some how or other against our desires, that will happen. Life is the teacher and nothing teaches us better then when we are faced with challenges that involve what we love most, our children.

It's no secret that the adversary would seize the opportunity to ruin me and convince me that I cannot do what I have been called to do. It's no surprise he would attempt this at a time when a mother is at her lowest. Temptation comes in various places and sometimes from the most hurtful and unexpected sources.
I have been told several times that I should only have had 2 children, that I am dumb for having more than 2 and even compared to the "old woman who lived in a shoe"(but only from 1 and the same source each time)

It is most difficult to be kicked when you are down, naturally. Do I regret my children? Absolutely not. Perhaps it is inconceivable to some that a mother with 6 children could love all of them as much a mother with only one or two. Maybe there is reason for saying those things, for I am not the mother I once was. And just because I didn't get my tubes tied, does not mean that I chose to have six children. Sometimes you are asked to do things in God's wisdom. It's at times like this that I have had to trust him. I love all of my children more than my own life. I can be an incredible mother, I realize that now since my life has been altered. And one day I WILL turn this arduous experience into a strength. One day I will resume my position with confidence and dignity. And soon, I will post details of our plans for Trevor's new job, out of state and where, soon.

Wahoooo!!

We're outta here! Trevor got a helicopter job, details to come later
(thanks for the tips anonymous, even though we never called him. Who are you?)


I love this artwork, so I posted them just for fun

I am not a perfect person. I have perfect ideals, but I am NOT perfect. In fact, I think I am the lowest I have ever been. I often find myself questioning a lot of things, frighteningly even my testimony. I suppose that is all apart of growth and learning in this life and one day all my questions will turn into strengths and I can then help encourage and influence someone else who struggles with the same things I overcame.

So what happens to me eternally if I don't forgive myself for things, shortcomings or am too hard on myself?

This is hard for me to admit this one; but if God is agency then why do we have to follow his plan or be miserable forever?

What if I never wanted to exist? But I am here.

If God is indeed in charge and knows what is best for us and we have to hope to follow his promptings (which I deem is very confusing and feels very much like guess work)What is the difference between going with the flow (predestined) and agency.
I know the answer to this, but sometimes the line is very thin and blurry.

These are negative, and for journal purposes I am documenting my angelic and demonic feelings and questions. I feel a a pull for my very soul. For Satan would have me. Yet, there have been times in my life where God has stepped in and rescued me from my own stupidity. Many times, Trevor was his means in doing so.

It's not a matter of if God exists for me. I know Christ very well, I always have. For some people a matter of the gospel and our church is Joseph Smith. I should quote from Roald Dahl's Charlie and the factory:


"Listen, I'm an old man. I'm much older than you think. I can't go on for ever. I've got no children of my own, no family at all. So who is going to run the factory when I get too old to do it myself? Someone's got to keep it going - if only for the sake of the Oompa-Loompas. Mind you, there are thousands of clever men who would give anything for the chance to come in and take over from me, but I don't want that sort of person. I don't want a grown-up person at all. A grown-up won't listen to me; he won't learn. He will try to do things his own way and not mine. So I have to have a child. I want a good sensible loving child, one to whom I can tell all my most precious sweet-making secrets - while I am still alive."

This is perfect and understandable in a book or major motion picture and people readily accept it. People accept Samuel the boy prophet. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. So why not a boy prophet and continued revelation and scripture in our day?

See, I know these things and I am very spiritually minded. However, that does not mean that I don't struggle. In this new year, I hope to receive my own peace and answers in regards to these questions and further the strengthening of my own testimony...what else can I do?

"Thank God, O women, for the quietude of your home, and that you are queen in it. Men come at eventide to the home; but all day long you are there , beautifying it, sanctifying it, adorning it, blessing it. Better be there than wear a queen's coronet. Better be there than carry the purse of a princess. It may be a very humble home. There may be no carpet on the floor. There may be no pictures on the wall. There may be no silks in the wardrobe; but, by your faith in God, and your cheerful demeanor, you may garniture that place with more splendor than the upholsterer's hand ever kindled."

---Reverend T. DeWitt Talmage, D.D

Keep breathing...for tomorrow the sun will rise.

I recently reviewed a scene from "Castaway". I have always loved that movie. But there was one part in particular that brought tears to my eyes. It's after he had been rescued and he is talking with his friend about his experience. About how everything he had survived for was no longer an option and his only choice now is to "keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring."

When Trevor and I first heard about his job layoff it was as if our world suddenly stopped and the dream was gone. We had never felt so powerless coupled with nothingness. In the Book of Mormon it talks about how we are but the dust of the earth, and we owe God for everything we have and all HE has blessed us with. Instantly we were completely dependant on family. We had nothing, save each other. We didn't even have options we just had to submit. We had to have permission for what we wanted to do or to ask for anything we needed. It felt so degrading. To take two people who are so independent and hardworking and make them rely on someone for their very life-it's humbling to say the least.

But with the new year we just have to keep trying because the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring. God is in charge and our life is his. There just may be that anticipated job offer that we have so earnestly been working for....

Baptism Boy

A Baptism is soon to transpire. I will write the details of the event later. For now I just wanted to spotlight him. He is a sweet boy and upon mentioning a girl he has his eyes on, he pulled this smile for me...he is definitely his father's son. This layoff of Trevor's has afforded him more time with his children than he has had in long time. This past fall Justin has learned how to duck hunt. He cleaned the duck himself and grilled it, all the while raving about how good it was (yuck). He has caught more fish than his father and has muscled the cleaning himself. He is radiantly proud of himself for being such a fisherman and that is clearly the highlight of his life right now. He even personally caught and shot 3 rats that live close to Grandma's creek. He is learning more about quality work and responsibility. We have also been impressed by his brilliance in mathematics and his hastening reading skills. He is a great young man and we are thankful to have him in our home (or in his grandma's and grandpa's for the time being).

Season's Splendor

Some eventful things have happened this season so far:

Trevor took me on a helicopter ride (he is staying current) and I got to see the sunset and Christmas lights and buzz over the temples from Logan to Salt Lake. It was so much fun and he is such a good pilot.

Trevor and I were given tickets to see "A White Christmas" from Steven and Cindy of which have season passes. They didn't want to go and gave us two extra tickets to take my parents. That was classic entertainment.

Jessica's former cello teacher (Ms. Anne Francis, of the Frystreet Quartet) gave Jessica and I tickets to Abravenal Hall to see the renown Pieter Wispelwey perform Saint-Saens concerto. After which, we got to meet him and he signed his autograph for her.


Trevor and I have been working out a the Bountiful Rec center...All I can say is, Ouch.

Christmas is almost here. On Wednesday Trevor's family is going to Salt Lake to see Narnia and enjoy the festivities on Temple Square. That should be an all day event.

I am almost ready for Christmas, I may need to make one more shopping trip starting at Barnes and Nobles on Thursday after lunch. Other than that, Christmas should be very simple this year. With the plethora of toys at grandma's house, all the Wii one could stand on a screen the size of a wall, a library full of books from juvenile to scholar-what could I possibly get my children? But I cannot say no to books. So they are all getting some. Besides, I am bound and determined to get on with our life sooner than later and I don't want to pack a bunch of stuff. So, simplicity it is.

Since I have lived here, I have come to realize that the sister-in-laws, myself included, evidently could not be any more opposite. But it is just that opposition that brings strength collectively. I am learning so much from them and each of their strengths.
In this picture, the photographer ask us to give a sexy pose-that was it! I busted up laughing and obviously was a bad influence on everyone else there-except my mother-in-law who was obviously immune to my laughter. Sorry ladies to ruin the moment.
Featured from left to right: Shylo,me, Karlee,Cindy and Jessica

Deja vu

It's been 14 years since I have lived in Bountiful. I tried many years ago to do everything I could to spread my wings and experience something new. I used to hate this "small town". Now I am finding the good in it. So much has changed since then, but overall, it really is not a bad place. Everything is so local; the library, the grocery stores-all the stores really. My children are studying art from a nationally famous artist-just across the street from Grandma's house. The boys have experienced Gymnastics at "Flips" and I love the local stores, particularly "All tucked in" on Main Street. Trevor and I are about to start at the gym at the Bountiful Rec center, formerly known as "the bubble". The kids are about to start Swim lessons. (Steven and Cindy have always supported lessons of their grand children) And the two of us have enjoyed Pilates and Yoga-a regular private class of Steven's. I am proud to say that I could keep up with Trevor and even a few times out do him :)
There really is so much to be thankful for in an all familiar way. It's been years since I drove by Milcreek Junior High-I hardly recognized it and Bountiful High-ha! It's a rather Deja vu feeling to be here.

A Wee bit late for Halloween

Halloween this last year was different. I usually make all the costumes from things around the house and start early in advance to make the proper preparations. However, because of the anticipated move and under the circumstances, I didn't and so the costumes were purchased by Grandma.
Daisy as a lab, simply because she is shaved. It's a practice I mean to repeat.
Joseph-the transformer
Alexis a modge podge witch
MaKayla, a devil who named herself, half witch and half devil's daughter.

Jessica, the "snow princess" with frosty hair
Justin the Jedi
Brett is our little "skeleton man" It's funny he picked this costume out because we tease him that he is so skinny he is like a skeleton.
Daisy was loving the pumpkin carvings-go figure, an omnivore Saint Bernard (who happens to be shaved like a lab-this was for Louisiana weather)A curious dog indeed.But I think Trevor was pointing out that I am still in my favorite Pajama bottoms (after cooking all morning) and wearing Justin's flip flops, nonetheless!
Since nobody would do the classic pumpkin face, I had to.
Alexis is really concentrating
MaKayla and Jessica having a blast
Joseph is feeling like a big kid because he gets to carve a pumpkin at 4 years old.

For the heck of it.

Here is some of Louisiana. Some of it is New Orleans and some of it is Lafayette area. This is the trip we went on to send out resumes. Just thought I would journalize this little business get away we took back in June. I still trust that God is guiding our life for good. I am not heart broken about not living in Louisiana. It is disappointing to be here during the winter. But long ago I placed my life in God's hands. Those are ALL birds and that is NOT grass

A rather creepy creature
I loved the Spanish moss on the oaks...gorgeous


Lake Martin in Louisiana...there's alligators in there
Our hotel
Trevor standing on the rooftop of our hotel...Omni, New Orleans
One of many mansions in the garden district.
This is one of Sandra Bullock's homes

This is the home from "The curious case of Benjamin Button"
The above ground cemetery

Bewildered

Words cannot describe my feelings as of late. It's been difficult to say the least.

How is it I feel alone, when I am never alone...
How is it I feel poor when I am surrounded by all the nicest materials money can buy.
How is it I find myself down, when there is so much good to be found...
How is it food has lost its savor, when I am encircled by the finest the stores have to offer.
How is it I find myself overwhelmed with the constant awareness of what I need to teach my children, when I am encompassed by help from every direction.
How is it I feel powerless and trapped in a free country with the ever perpetual gift of the atonement?
Why is it that I feel as if I am losing my children, When I am constantly by their side.
How is it I have lost my fight when that is the very essence of who I am?
Why is it I cannot pull myself out of this slump and quit experiencing the roller coaster of emotions That I find myself constantly battling?
Why is it I feel as if I am in a dream, a bad one, and I am unable to wake up and be proactive?
Why do I feel as if I have lost my status as a mother, when that is essentially impossible?
Why is it I feel like a puppet driven by the necessities of the day and yet on stage, being ever watched and conceivably judged?
Why do I feel like I have lost everything, when I have what really matters?


I know the answers to these things...I know what I need to do. Perhaps time will be the healing balm, gratitude a respite and my mind a place of solace.

I fully acknowledge my blessings in our predicament.

We sold our home quickly.
We have no debt.
We have a beautiful home to stay in and the financial help of Trevor's parents.
My children have what they need and anything they could want.
We are ever grateful for our families at this time.

But there is nothing like it. To feel the self respect, independence and agency of your own life. Here there is nothing to worry about; no bills to pay, no budgeting and I am certainly blessed to have the kids get mentored by so many people. How is it I could feel anything but contentment? I have gone from having no husband and doing so much on my own, to never having it so easy.(physically anyway)

One day, when Trevor does get a job I just may come to the realization of the blessings I do have at this time. I know I will miss him and his help. I know I will feel overwhelmed all over again. The things I do have right now, this very day should ALWAYS make it easier, but it doesn't. I am human, and now more then ever I find myself face to face with my weaknesses. I literally stare at them everyday. I see so much that I need to change within myself that I don't know where to begin.

We are about to close on our home. It is a bitter sweet emotion. Sweet because that home has been the burden of our life for 9 years. Sweet because in our economy it was a miracle to sell it. And bitter because it is MY home nonetheless. It is my last attachment to the life I once had. It is just one more thing I feel is taken away from me at this time. It's not as if I have a home to replace it. It's not as if I have a new life so I can let go of the old one. I got over things along time ago. And my in-laws home couldn't be any more comfortable. But that is just it. The things aren't mine. Every article within this home is attached by a memory that is not mine. Now that it is Christmas time, it is even harder. These things aren't mine, the memories I created with our own things are packed away. It feels as if I am living on borrowed time, rented holidays and loaned things. But they are just things after all. I need to be better.

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
-- Hippocrates

Protection or preservation?

I have had an internal battle for a while. I believe children are sponges-they soak up everything in their environment, which determines who they become. The music they listen to, the friends they have, the books or movies that entertain and fill their minds. It all defines them (as it does with us). I have always preserved the best of the best because that is what I am encouraging them to become. I remember a time in my life when we didn't have the television channels and so I had a lot of control over the kind of entertainment that entered my home. For fun I got all of the series of Little house, Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. All the while supplementing with classic books and real life discussions with my children. There was a time I felt in control of it all and I had peace that I was raising my children up unto the Lord. I felt complete joy because our home was filled with the spirit and I was teaching them correct principles. The strange thing is, I was lost in my service with them. I spent hours with them, never a moment for myself hardly. But it is for this very reason that I care so much. I have sacrificed so very much for them. They mean EVERYTHING to me.

I have never taught them to look at others as bad, rather I want them to only judge based on their personal safety. What others may do is their choice but each of us has a responsibility to discern what will harm us and to stay away from it. I don't want to come across as self righteous. I am just overly protective.
Now that I am at my In-laws home for the time being, I find I have no control over anything. They are good people, every one of them. Among the best and of whom I love dearly. But differences in opinions and upbringing can pose a challenge that I feel threatens what I have taught my children. I have worked endlessly for years teaching them the best I know how. I like that my children don't like Lady Gaga or Hanna Montana. I like that they know about sex at an appropriate age where they can be mature enough to respect and handle it and that I can teach them in a loving atmosphere while emphasising the sacred, private nature of it. I like the influence the positive music and tv shows has had on my home and my children.
It's been difficult to give up everything secure that I have ever known and to feel many different opinions thrown at my family. I feel out of control and out of place. Am I too protective? Or is it that I just want to preserve what is good and what is right? Is it okay for kids to like the current role models that kids have? Is the modern music okay? What message or agenda does Hollywood have for our children? Is it okay that a child's highlight for his/her life is a video game? According to Philippians 4:8 it says...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I could find many more. But is it not ideal to stay away from wrong all together? Is not good good and evil evil? Things either come from God or they come from the Devil. I take this seriously. And I feel responsible to teach my children what is right and what is wrong. I am not saying that they will not come across wickedness at some point, they will and they should to gain wisdom. But what I am saying is I feel it is a sacred duty of mine to offer them what ever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. Imagine raising a sober generation such as Nephi, Moroni, Joseph Smith or Joseph of old. Those men were who they were because of the homes they grew up in. As our belated dear prophet, Gorden B. Hinckley wrote:

"E. T. Sullivan once wrote these interesting words: “When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn’t stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home and of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.”1

"And those babies, I should like to add, will become forces for good or ill, depending in large measure on how they are reared. The Lord, without equivocation, has declared, “I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40)." Why do I feel so strongly about these concepts, yet why do I feel so alone in it...