Words cannot describe my feelings as of late. It's been difficult to say the least.
How is it I feel alone, when I am never alone...
How is it I feel poor when I am surrounded by all the nicest materials money can buy.
How is it I find myself down, when there is so much good to be found...
How is it food has lost its savor, when I am encircled by the finest the stores have to offer.
How is it I find myself overwhelmed with the constant awareness of what I need to teach my children, when I am encompassed by help from every direction.
How is it I feel powerless and trapped in a free country with the ever perpetual gift of the atonement?
Why is it that I feel as if I am losing my children, When I am constantly by their side.
How is it I have lost my fight when that is the very essence of who I am?
Why is it I cannot pull myself out of this slump and quit experiencing the roller coaster of emotions That I find myself constantly battling?
Why is it I feel as if I am in a dream, a bad one, and I am unable to wake up and be proactive?
Why do I feel as if I have lost my status as a mother, when that is essentially impossible?
Why is it I feel like a puppet driven by the necessities of the day and yet on stage, being ever watched and conceivably judged?
Why do I feel like I have lost everything, when I have what really matters?
I know the answers to these things...I know what I need to do. Perhaps time will be the healing balm, gratitude a respite and my mind a place of solace.
I fully acknowledge my blessings in our predicament.
We sold our home quickly.
We have no debt.
We have a beautiful home to stay in and the financial help of Trevor's parents.
My children have what they need and anything they could want.
We are ever grateful for our families at this time.
But there is nothing like it. To feel the self respect, independence and agency of your own life. Here there is nothing to worry about; no bills to pay, no budgeting and I am certainly blessed to have the kids get mentored by so many people. How is it I could feel anything but contentment? I have gone from having no husband and doing so much on my own, to never having it so easy.(physically anyway)
One day, when Trevor does get a job I just may come to the realization of the blessings I do have at this time. I know I will miss him and his help. I know I will feel overwhelmed all over again. The things I do have right now, this very day should ALWAYS make it easier, but it doesn't. I am human, and now more then ever I find myself face to face with my weaknesses. I literally stare at them everyday. I see so much that I need to change within myself that I don't know where to begin.
We are about to close on our home. It is a bitter sweet emotion. Sweet because that home has been the burden of our life for 9 years. Sweet because in our economy it was a miracle to sell it. And bitter because it is MY home nonetheless. It is my last attachment to the life I once had. It is just one more thing I feel is taken away from me at this time. It's not as if I have a home to replace it. It's not as if I have a new life so I can let go of the old one. I got over things along time ago. And my in-laws home couldn't be any more comfortable. But that is just it. The things aren't mine. Every article within this home is attached by a memory that is not mine. Now that it is Christmas time, it is even harder. These things aren't mine, the memories I created with our own things are packed away. It feels as if I am living on borrowed time, rented holidays and loaned things. But they are just things after all. I need to be better.
Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
-- Hippocrates
7 comments:
oh I so understand this feeling. When we moved back from New York I felt like I was waking up from a coma, like no one around me really knew the real me, the one I had spent the last 4 years growing and evolving into. Although our lonely and displaced feelings came from different sources I think the feeling and solutions are often the same. I'm going to go find this quote that really pulled me through some rough days and post it. It will get better, but that doesn't mean it's not ok to be blue and sad sometimes.
Ok here it is, I think the poet Kahlil Gibran had it right,”… Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.”
Has he contacted LDS employment? There are centers all over and they are pretty helpful. Just a thought.
We are stuck in a rough situation...his training as a pilot qualifies him for a higher salary. Much higher...There is always the minimum pay jobs. But, we remain hopeful and faithful that come January many companies will start interviewing. We never thought we would be in this situation...who ever does though right?
I think that D&C 121 gives so much comfort on emotionally rainy days like you expressed. Hang in there.
Oh, LDS doesn't seem to have anything on pilots. It's one of those rare jobs. They do have plenty of Desk jobs though.;) We have checked on the site for posting, but of course found nothing. We really feel it is a patient waiting game and that Spring will be more promising...Thanks Anonymous
What a hard spot to be in -letting go of so much of what made your identity and gave you independence... Recognizing all you no longer have yet remembering that what you have is good. Ugh...how hard!
Thinking of you.
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