I am not a perfect person. I have perfect ideals, but I am NOT perfect. In fact, I think I am the lowest I have ever been. I often find myself questioning a lot of things, frighteningly even my testimony. I suppose that is all apart of growth and learning in this life and one day all my questions will turn into strengths and I can then help encourage and influence someone else who struggles with the same things I overcame.

So what happens to me eternally if I don't forgive myself for things, shortcomings or am too hard on myself?

This is hard for me to admit this one; but if God is agency then why do we have to follow his plan or be miserable forever?

What if I never wanted to exist? But I am here.

If God is indeed in charge and knows what is best for us and we have to hope to follow his promptings (which I deem is very confusing and feels very much like guess work)What is the difference between going with the flow (predestined) and agency.
I know the answer to this, but sometimes the line is very thin and blurry.

These are negative, and for journal purposes I am documenting my angelic and demonic feelings and questions. I feel a a pull for my very soul. For Satan would have me. Yet, there have been times in my life where God has stepped in and rescued me from my own stupidity. Many times, Trevor was his means in doing so.

It's not a matter of if God exists for me. I know Christ very well, I always have. For some people a matter of the gospel and our church is Joseph Smith. I should quote from Roald Dahl's Charlie and the factory:


"Listen, I'm an old man. I'm much older than you think. I can't go on for ever. I've got no children of my own, no family at all. So who is going to run the factory when I get too old to do it myself? Someone's got to keep it going - if only for the sake of the Oompa-Loompas. Mind you, there are thousands of clever men who would give anything for the chance to come in and take over from me, but I don't want that sort of person. I don't want a grown-up person at all. A grown-up won't listen to me; he won't learn. He will try to do things his own way and not mine. So I have to have a child. I want a good sensible loving child, one to whom I can tell all my most precious sweet-making secrets - while I am still alive."

This is perfect and understandable in a book or major motion picture and people readily accept it. People accept Samuel the boy prophet. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. So why not a boy prophet and continued revelation and scripture in our day?

See, I know these things and I am very spiritually minded. However, that does not mean that I don't struggle. In this new year, I hope to receive my own peace and answers in regards to these questions and further the strengthening of my own testimony...what else can I do?