I surrender

So lately I have come to the realization of some things. For those of you who may stumble across this post, ignore my pessimism. You are free to read on, but be aware that this is NOT the usual uplifting post. I write this for two reasons, one to vent and two to journalize.
I have become aware of a pattern of failure with me. Everything I battle for or fight for I lose. And I have become increasingly tired of the fight. Here are some things that were important to me that I lost the battle on:
1.) To have healthy children.

To achieve this I have relentlessly researched, talked and council ed with those of experience, read numerous books, studied the word of wisdom and thought and prayed. I have spent the majority of 14 years doing this and spent hours in the kitchen preparing wholesome foods and last but not least spent hard earned money on more expensive foods. An example of this is 2 bucks for a gallon of genuine fake maple syrup or the alternative 60 dollars for the real stuff from New England. I have been the doctor for my children most of their lives. Many of them have not ever been to a doctor-I could remedy it and take care of it through herbs. But, regardless of my efforts they are sicker than any other kid I know who survives off of the modern convenience junk. The herbs I have always used with great success have been ineffective as of late. I have always believed you reap what you sow and that in time the sacrificing I was doing would be to their benefit. There is no such evidence currently. How does one of my children who fights to eat anything healthy recover quicker than the child who refuses to eat any junk and eats extremely healthy? How is it that my children catch everything and seem to have no resistance. For years I have been a fighter and refused to believe that junk food should ever prevail...To this day I have no proof. I feel I have lost the fight and I feel defeated.

2.) For all six of my children I could barely breastfeed. I would nurse every hour for a year because I believed it was healthier. I did what I could to eat right and eat well to make this happen, but to no avail. I remember begging and pleading with Heavenly Father to help me feed my children as he did Nephi's wife...but nothing changed, my children were still thin and hungry and I did lose that fight. I persevered and still nursed with a hope, but nothing changed. I lost the fight.-

3.) weight retention. It doesn't matter how much I exercise, eat right, don't eat or what I do eat-I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT!!!!
Another lost battle.

4.) I used to believe you reap what you sow. That if you want something bad enough and work hard enough anything is possible..not so. Not for me anyway. I DO believe that law works out for others, but not for me. Trevor and I have spent the last 6 years training him for a career that could offer security, his satisfaction and a sufficient income.
This last month, we lost it all....
Many of you may know that Trevor got that job in Louisiana. We worked so hard for that. Not only Trevor in training and schooling and building time as an instructor but me on the Internet finding him a job. Hope is always in the back of your mind. You tell yourself that if you want it bad enough it is possible and it will happen. So that is what I did. I thought we had our break with this job. That all the hard work had paid off. We were going to to have a salary-more money than we have ever had. That is not the point to me, I am not a Gold Digger. But security and a stable future is what I am after. After three months of being employed, Me working mostly myself to get the house up for sale by doing repairs and packing he lost the job. Rotorcraft Leasing lost 3 helicopters in the ocean. While no one what hurt, their biggest contract left and took their business somewhere else. They were down 20% of their work and let go of 20% of their employees, Trevor being the new guy was one of them.
Here we are in my in-laws of whom we only meant to transition with and we are stuck here. It's amazing to me that in a second everything is gone. I don't have my home anymore (we have a few offers) Most of my things are sold. It's a good thing the home is up for sale, I feel ahead in that under the circumstances that is what we would have needed to do. It is so hard to lose everything. Yes, I still have Trevor and my children. But everything we worked for we have lost. It was a miracle-and it took a fight to get the job he had. I know what we are up against. I know how messed up the economy is and even worse how bad the jobs are in the nation. We have spent up to 4 hours everyday for a month trying to find something. No one is hiring. People have lost their retirement. They have had their income cut in half. With this, it has backed up the flow of employment so that guys like Trevor are stuck and there are more people than there are jobs. And because the economy is down the touring is down. No matter where we turn there doesn't feel like a solution. Sure, maybe spring might open more positions but that feels like a lifetime a way. Who at 30 wants to be completely dependant on their parents? We are discouraged and feel humiliated.
I could fight and work for a job and research like the feisty fighter in me usually does, but for what. Haven't I always lost every battle I fight. I am beginning to feel like a powerless pawn with no say in my own life. I have never asked for anything unreasonable. I am not a stuffy high maintenance wife. I don't care about jewelry, makeup, clothes and things. I don't even care about the home I live in. I know what matters most. It's the people in the home and the memories that they can fill in their life. Everything I have mentioned above is a righteous desire. I feel that out of respect I have honored the things of God and tried to be obedient to them. I am just asking for a job so that we can have sufficient for our needs.
Will this be a fight I lose too? And what am I supposed to make of the constant failure? How many of those does it take to learn learned helplessness?
(I told you this was negative.)